Parted Shadows
by Ignimbrite
Summary: After Raph was raped at age 11, Leo felt that it was obligatory to seek his little brother in the empty boy that had come home from the assault. Five years later, Leo's method had caused the brothers to fall into a relationship ridden with guilt and confusion. Human AU. INCEST. (Don & Mike appear in the future but not as their brothers) Leo/Raph. Leo/Donnie. Raph/Mikey.
1. Chapter 1

**PARTED SHADOWS**

by Ignimbrite

* * *

_My intention is to write a story based on a very radical situation and affection. Incest. They didn't do this because they had no other choices…yeah, in a way, kind of. Anyway, this would be a really dark story, and at the same time disquieting and extreme. Of course, sex will be mentioned, but this ain't porno, lol. This is a story with a plot, so wait patiently until the right time comes._

_By the way, Mikey and Donnie would make appearance in the future, but not as brothers. In this story, Hamato Yoshi only has two adoptive sons: Leonardo and Raphael (who are biological brothers), and they are normal people (not ninjas). Yoshi still owns a dojo, though (couldn't picture him doing other jobs, ha)._

_Don't be scared off by my crazy imagination and bold language usage-yeah, they're quite bold and straightforward._

**Disclaimer:**

I don't own TMNT.

**Warnings:**

Description of child-abuse, sex, incest, and disturbing thoughts. Lotsa profanities.

Dark. NO LIKE, NO READ.

**(I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT I'VE ALREADY WARNED YOU. THANKS A LOT.)**

* * *

**I**

_Does belief in all these fictitious ideals really alter men?_

_…_

_Do these really exist: will, purpose, thoughts, values? Is conscious life, in eternity, no more than a reflected image?_

_-Friedrich Nietzsche_

* * *

**/Leonardo/**

_You know, your memories always come back to haunt you. Don't judge me. At least they always do when it comes to me and my brother. Everything just goes back to that night, that night in July. Five years ago._

_We never mentioned it. We never, ever mentioned what happened that night, and the two nights before that night. When they found my little brother after that three long nights, he was curling up into a ball in a ditch. He was broken, shattered. He was dead. But no, he wasn't dead. He was still alive, but that didn't mean a thing. He was gone, gone for good. Good for him, bad for me. I had to live with what remained of him—the body that still looked quite a lot like him, but didn't smile like him, didn't grin like him, didn't…it just wasn't him anymore._

_Dad said it was still Raphael in the body of my brother. He was lost, deep into his soul, said dad. I had tried to believe dad's words, but lies just didn't work._

_So what happened after that night. I felt like I was severed. There were days and there were nights—and those were just different worlds._

.:. .:. .:.

"What happened?" I demanded.

"Oh my god," Miss O'Neil, the school's student counselor who was in charged of Raph, was wiping her forehead with a handkerchief as she uttered in a rush, "I'm so sorry that I had to ask you to come here."

"It's no big deal, Miss O'Neil, I don't have any class this afternoon." I said as I closed the door of her office behind me. I came here straight after my last class in college (the boring _Introduction To Asian Philosophy_). "So…what did he do this time?"

"He was…" Miss O'Neil bit her lips. It was too hard for her. "I couldn't tell your father about this, Leonardo."

I wasn't surprised at all. This was Raph's third high school; we had been through a lot of similar scenarios, though every time I covered for Raph so he could get away from dad—at least this was something practical I could do for him.

"It's okay," I raised a hand, almost touching her forearm. "You can tell me. And that's why you called me in the first place, right?"

"Yeah," she smiled nervously. "You brother…he… Oh I don't know how to start this, Leonardo…"

"Please," I said, looking her in the eye, "call me Leo."

"_Leo,_" she continued, smiling again out of nervousness and discomfort, "your brother was found in the locker room with two other boys. He had been…"

The office room was suddenly flung open, and I turned around just in time to see my brother being pushed into the room, and his expression turning from pure surprise to white hot anger.

"**_WHAT THE FUCK ARE YA DOIN HERE?_**" he screamed at me, and launched forward.

My throat would have been ripped open if it wasn't because his PE teacher, Mr. Schmidt (whom I had known because of Raph's out-of-hatred vivid description of this man), had grabbed his shirt from behind.

"Sit down, Raphael, please…_for chrissake_," he hissed.

Raphael was glaring at me, all the time. He was forced down into the chair in front of Miss O'Neil's desk.

"Why don't you tell your brother what have you done in the locker room with James and Marvin yourself," Mr. Schmidt said in a low, scornful voice, "huh?"

Raph still kept his sharp green eyes at me, and grinned wildly, "what, you like to hear the fuckin story again so much, Mr. Schmidt? I just fuckin told those two bastards that I'd give each of 'em ten fuckin bucks to_ fuck me_ that's all."

I glanced at Schmidt, whose face was pale and filled with disgust.

"You hear what this boy said?" he turned to Miss O'Neil. "He asked his classmates to…"

"Why did you say that, Raphael?" she ask him. I could tell that she was trying to stay cool. She really was trying to help him; that was really kind.

"Coz that's _what they wanna hear,_" Raph said, still grinning viciously. "All they wanna hear is that I'm a fuckin bitch coz I slept with Lukas Connell."

"This boy is sick," Mr. Schmidt jerked forward and yelled at Miss O'Neil. "I want him out of my class. You gotta tell them he's out of his mind. He needs a mental institution or something…something like that, we're not that kind of…_special school_, Miss O'Neil."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Raph smirked, "hey, you're tryin ta say that I'm insane Mr. Schmidt? C'mon, y'know ya want me ta suck it fer ya don'tcha?"

"_Shut up, Raph,_" I said suddenly.

His green eyes moved back and the heavy gaze landed on me again.

"Mr. Schmidt," I cleared my throat and ignored Raph's penetrating glower, "I believe my brother has just as much rights to learn as other students in this school do."

Schmidt gave a snort.

"I need to talk to Miss O'Neil," I said coldly. "Would you leave us for a moment? If Raphael's behavior was indeed so inappropriate, we'll see what the school says about it."

"Whatever, you two…" he gritted his teeth and walked out with a vengeful look; luckily we didn't have to hear the rest of his words.

The door was slammed shut.

"You didn't only do that, right?" I asked Raph.

"No," he smiled with an eyebrow raised. "I was givin this Marvin guy a blowjob when that fuckin Schmidt barged inta the locker room."

I glanced at Miss O'Neil.

"I guess I have to take him home now," I said.

"Yes," she said, frustrated. "Schmidt will tell other teachers about this, and I…I don't know what I can do for you. I'm sorry. I will try to convince them…"

"No fuckin evaluation," Raph said all of a sudden, and then jumped up from the chair. "I ain't crazy. Don't you dare tell 'em I got some fancy mental disease."

She closed her eyes for a moment.

"Of course," she said. She was lying.

.:. .:. .:.

"What'cha gonna tell dad?" Raph asked me when we were driving out of the high school's parking lot.

"That you got into a fight," I said flatly.

"Nice," he whistled, scratching his totally disheveled blond hair.

"Listen, Raph…" I inhaled.

"Don't say anythin," he interrupted me with a rough grunt, "I know whatcha thinkin right now Leo."

"What am I thinking right now?"

"That I'm a fuckin pervert."

I didn't speak right away.

"I wasn't thinking about that," I muttered quietly after a moment.

"Then what are you thinking?" he looked out of the window.

"I _am_ the pervert," I said softly.

"Huh," he laughed. "No yer not, yer fuckin not."

.:. .:. .:.

_We touched each other._

_He was thirteen, and I was sixteen. I should have known that it was not a game. I should have known that he had been broken already. I was too eager to comfort, too eager to try to set things right._

_I did things to him. Not the things they had done to him five years ago, but other things…things that would push us further apart than draw us close. Things that were supposed to help, to comfort, to bring me back my little brother._

_He had been hurt so bad. He had been whimpering in his sleeps. I was just trying to stop those dreams when I touched him and pulled him into my arms. And then he woke up, staring at me in a lost way that I just couldn't bear to see anymore—that wasn't my little brother. He needed me, but I needed him back. I needed him full, I needed the person that used to be him…_

_"__Leo," and he called my name._

_There he was, my little brother, lying in a ditch, misused and confused…_

_Everything just kept going back to that night._

_He needed me._

_So I gave him what I could._

—tbc—

* * *

_Reviews will be very much appreciated. Let me know if this wild baby work out alright. Next chapter will start with Raph's pov-well, if someone want to read on lol._


	2. Chapter 2

**PARTED SHADOWS**

by Ignimbrite

* * *

_Why did I choose to not write this story with my original characters is because that I felt I was inspired by the turtles' personalities. I coulda use different names, but that I'd be feeling like stealing. As for whether you see the original turtles in them that's your own decision. Maybe I suck at that so you just don't see it. Or maybe you do. If you did, I'd be very glad. However, this is called AU (ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE), so we could have any situations we want, right?_

_Anyway, that's the fun._

* * *

**II**

**/Raphael/**

Have you ever heard this goddam song—'Learn to be lonely' in the end of the fucking movie 'The Phantom of the Opera'? Don't ask why I know that song—this faggot I used to hang out with (_not that kinda hanging-out, whatcha thinking about; you're sick, ya know that?_) told me about it. I mean, what's their problem? Come on, you need to _learn that_? Isn't it just obvious that you're gonna live this fucking life alone? I thought it is an established truth, you know.

Anyway. Let's not argue over some stupid song. That ain't my point. My point is, I hate to be treated like an idiot, like I'm a poor child who's got some serious psychotic issue. I thought we could just go on and forgot about what happened all those years ago, but, hey, just how _hard_ is that?

Oh, and people always looked at me with this calm look and asked me how am I feeling right now. _Jesus Christ, will ya shut up?_ Okay, go on tell me you understand, and you wanna help. Go on. Go on with your rubbish. Go on with all your care and talk and therapy. Have it ever occurred to you that there is no way that you could possibly understand? Hey, you don't have shit happened to you. You don't know one single goddam thing about me.

So we go back to the song. The stupid song. I don't have to fucking learn about how to be lonely. _Lonely learns me._

.:.

Leo just had to be right about something.

He thought he saved my ass. Good for him.

"Just one question," Leo said after we got out of the car and started to walk toward the elevator. "Did you actually do it with that Connell guy you talked about?"

I raised an eyebrow. Man. Leo got my full interest going.

"Hell no," I smirked. "He's a nasty fella. Why d'ya ask?"

"Never mind," he said. We walked into the elevator.

Elevator was a pretty small space. I hated crowded elevator. All those heat from other people and such. But Leo's presence wasn't that unpleasant to be around. And the elevator wasn't at all crowded with just the two of us.

My brother was two inches taller than me—years of martial arts training had molded him a strong body, which he often hided under those neatly ironed clothes (he looked very neat, _too neat_, sometimes, in my opinion) and that well-mannered exterior of a good student. He was a pretentious person, I'd say; you never get to see what's under his shell. If he weren't my brother, I never would have put up with this kind of people. However, he was, indeed, my brother and the only biological family I had on this entirely fucking planet.

The staff at the foster care told dad that Leo never took his eyes off me—he just stayed right next to me all the time like he was afraid that someone would try to steal me away. Our parents died in an accident (nobody ever told us any fuckin details about that tragedy)—Leo had been three years old and I was barely a year old. Then two months later father adopted us.

People said to us from time to time that Leo and I got a special bond that was even rare among brothers. They said we got telepathic power of some sort, that we could tell what each other was thinking, and that we were the exact opposite of each other so we made up to each other's weaknesses. I don't know if that was true, but, to tell the truth, sometimes I couldn't tell what Leo was thinking. Yeah, but I get why they said that. There was indeed something going on between me and Leo—I _hated_ him, I hated him for being my brother, and being that smartass perfect big brother. And this ain't ordinary sibling rivalry; it was…something more. Like a _fate_ or something. It was hard to explain. But I gotta love him, too, 'cause he's my bro. It was _ambivalent_. Ha, that was a word.

.:.

We lived on the ninth-floor. A nice little apartment with two bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen and a living room. Leo and I were a bit too old to share one room, but there was no other choice. Dad didn't earn much with the dojo—he got to pay the rent for both the dojo and the apartment, and those were a lot of money. Leo already worked part-time as waiter in this restaurant, _Murakami's_, on the street we lived on. He could have move out when he went to college, but he had chosen not to—yeah, it would be a bit lonesome with just me and dad, and pretty awkward, too. Things had gotten weird ever since we got older. Leo knew that dad couldn't do anything about me no matter what kind of troubles I got myself into. Dad always let me do crazy stuff—like the stuff I did today, like the stuff I had done in those high schools, where I got kicked out, I mean. Leo tried to hide away my crimes, but I guessed dad knew what happened—he just didn't know what to do about it.

.:.

"I'll skip dinner," I grunted as Leo opened the door of the apartment. I went past him and walked straight toward our bedroom. He said something behind me, but I couldn't tell what he had said.

Our room was quite roomy compared to dad's. It was the main bedroom. My bed was right under the window (_from which you could only see the bricks of the next building and a little patch of New York's grayish sky_), while Leo's bed was only two feet away, parallel to mine. We switched beds five years ago because dad and Leo thought the window would do me good. _But, c'mon, does it matter with only three feet of difference?_

Throwing my book bag on the floor, I collapsed on my bed, facedown. I fell asleep almost right away. Damn, that Schmidt guy really pissed me off. He was really a bastard, sort of twisted. I could tell that he liked me and would like to lay a hand on me. I had seen him peeking at me when I was showering after our PE class. I told that lady O'Neil about this once, and she asked me if it was possible I was only _imagining_ that. What? Like I was paranoid or something? Because of what happened to me all those years ago, now I was afraid of middle-age perverts checking me out? Those psychologists and counselors were the people who really got paranoia. Not me.

.:. .:. .:.

I had no idea how long had I been asleep. When I woke up, the room was dark already. I blinked my eyes in confusion.

"Raph, we left some Chinese food for you," Leo's voice sounded gently behind me.

"Nah I'm not hungry," I muttered into my pillow.

"Alright," he said with reluctance in his voice. I supposed he had explained to dad what happened earlier in school. With _lies_, of course.

"Whatcha doin'?" I asked when something touched my left foot.

"No shoes on bed, we've agreed on that," he replied. I could feel him untying my shoelaces. For some guys like Leo, they just don't understand that you can wear your shoes without undoing and redoing the laces all the goddam time. Pretty dumb, I think.

After he took off my shoes and socks, I rolled over and looked up at him.

"Pants, Fearless," I smirked.

He sighed, "You've woken up, do it yourself."

"I don't feel so well," I lied.

His face changed.

"Yeah?" he frowned, "is that why you've been sleeping all afternoon?"

"Maybe," I shrugged.

He sat down on my bed, and started to strip me.

"You're not gonna take a shower, are you?" he asked after finishing my jeans.

I shook my head. "Maybe tomorrow morning."

"You're suspended for a week," he said, pulling my shirt off. "Your teacher called, and Miss O'Neil…she said we need to discuss—"

"Discuss what?" I frowned, sitting up. It was chilly in the room. They didn't turn the goddam radiator on. Dammit.

Leo pushed me down and heaved out a sigh.

"She said she knew a friend, a doctor…"

"What doctor?" I asked harshly, "what _fuckin doctor_?"

"Raph," Leo stared at me gingerly, "_you need help._ Your nightmare worsened, your behavior…"

"Don't talk to me about help, about my fuckin behavior. _I don't have fucking problems Leo,_" I sat up again and grabbed his collar.

"Alright," he said and held up his hands, "we'll talk about this tomorrow, okay?"

"Fuck you," I snorted.

Leo bit his lower lip. "I'm gonna turn the heater on," he said, "sleep tight."

"Whatever," I shoved him away.

.:. .:. .:.

**/Five years ago/**

_"__Raphael," someone said, "my son."_

_I opened my eyes and stared at the bleak sky. Summer had weathered away._

_Someone was shaking me hard._

_"__Answer me, my son," that someone shouted, but I couldn't see his face. "Answer me!"_

_"__He's in shock," another guy said. "We gotta get him to the hospital right now, sir."_

_Now I saw them. My father, and that other guy in a police uniform. Was I lying on the ground? Yes. Was I naked? Half, yeah. Why? I couldn't quite recall._

_My dad's face was covered in tears. Never saw him like that before._

_"__What happened to him?" he turned to the policeman. "What the hell happened to my son?"_

_Now another person came into my sight._

_"__Dad, they called the ambulance already."_

_My eyes flickered toward the direction of that voice._

_It was Leo. My fourteen-year-old brother, who got deep golden hair that appeared to be brown most of the time, and dark blue eyes—who was looking at me with this gaze that was so strange and unlike him. His expression made my heart cold._

_"__Raph," he whispered as if the sight of me frightened him._

_"__Leonardo," dad turned to him. "We're going to the hospital with him. Wait for me in the car."_

_"__Father, he's must be freezing," Leo said with a pale face. "Lying in the water for god knows how long…"_

_Dad shrugged off his jacket and covered me._

_"__Ah, my Raphael," he casted toward me a pained glance. "I'll kill those men. I'll kill those men…" he started to mumble._

_I had never seen my father so enraged. I had never seen brother so lost._

_I had never felt so alone._

.:. .:. .:.

**/Present/**

_You always know when it's coming._

Later that night, I woke up again.

Of course he was right next to me. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.

"What's the prob?" I slurred.

"Shut up," he said.

"Y'know I ain't gonna forgive ya."

And now I felt his hand sliding down my side.

"I know," Leo whispered, his fingers staying on my hipbone.

"No," I said. "I wanna touch you."

"No," he said.

"Why not."

"I…"

I pushed him back, and stared down at him. His eyes were just so beautiful, all wide and staring like that. People often said that we got the same eyes while the only differences being shades, but I couldn't see it. His eyes were prettier. I liked those midnight blue; they were deep and unreachable.

"Raph."

Nuh-uh. I brushed his tip slightly.

"Raph…"

I pressed down with my fingers.

"Oh god," he breathed.

"Ya sure like it don'tcha," I snickered.

"Oh Raph stop it," he gasped. "I…I wasn't—"

"You wasn't what?" I asked, not stopping my motion.

"_Mmmmm_," he had his arms around my waist. "Raph…"

"You're a hypocrite, Leonardo," I smirked.

He closed his eyes and hissed as he tried to bite back some noise.

"Argh, _Jesus_…" he grasped my shoulder all of a sudden and pulled me closer. His body felt nice and warm as our bare chests pressed together.

"Ya know, that's a bit too quick," I taunted.

He closed his eyes and panted. Hot fluid flooded over my fingers, I brought them to my lips.

"Yer gonna wash the sheets," I said.

"Not after you paid your price," he said, and was suddenly above me.

"I ain't afraid," I said, looking up at him.

"Yeah, keep saying that," he smiled.

He gazed down at me.

"Close your eyes, Raph."

I closed them. "Now what?"

Something icy touched my lower belly a silent minute later. I had no idea what that was, but it started to glide down. Now it slipped into my shorts.

"Leo, what the hell's that?"

"Shhh."

"_Leo,_" I reached out a hand and found his shoulder.

"Stay still," he said.

It was touching my…and it was going in. It was, it was, _it was_…

"Leo, please, stop it, _stop it, stop it, STOP IT WOULD YOU FUCKIN __**STOP IT!**_"

I shouted, pounding him with my fists.

He stopped.

"You can open your eyes now," he said.

No need for his fuckin orders. I already opened my eyes. He was looking at me with a worried look.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I thought you…"

"_I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!_" I was screaming.

"Hey, shhhh." He gripped my shoulders, "Calm down, Raph. I'm sorry—"

"It ain't fun, Leo," I growled, sitting up and gripping his throat.

Leo tried to wrench free. "That was just an ice cube, Raph, I just thought it would be…"

And that was when our bedroom door flew open.

"What is going on?" dad's voice came from the direction of the door.

"Raph's having a nightmare," Leo answered quickly. Having pushing me back to my pillow, covered my body with my blanket and hopping out of the bed, he was already standing next on the floor. _Quick reflexes. Damn bastard._ Lucky for him with his back to the door, so dad wasn't able to see that wet patch on the front of his boxers.

"Are you alright, my son?" dad asked.

"I'm fine," I answered in the darkness. "Leo said he's gonna make me somethin' hot ta drink."

"All right," dad said hesitantly, "if you need anything, my son…"

"It's alright, Dad," Leo said reassuringly, "I'm right here with him."

"Thank you, Leonardo," dad sighed, and left us alone.

"I want hot milk," I stared at Leo.

Leo rolled his eyes.

"You're a liar," I smiled mockingly, "you're so good at it."

"You too," he bowed.

"Nah," I shrugged, "not as good as you."

"Alright," Leo hissed, "hot milk it is." He stripped off the dirty shorts and put on a clean pair, heading toward the door.

"_No doctors, huh?_" I called. "Ya better called O'Neil back tomorrow."

He ignored me.

After the door closed behind him, I turned around so I could face the window. Nothing good out there. Everything was already fucked up as we were. Sometimes I wished dad could catch us while we were doing it. He did, once, a long time ago (_I was thirteen or so_), but he pretended he never saw it, and never mentioned it—maybe he thought Leo was just checking whether I got testicular cancer or something. Ha, _very_ funny.

Anyway, I hated it. You know, people don't usually do this with their brother, right? And I hated it more when Leo was so calm and so ready to cover every up with his goddam pretentious tricks. He would make a very good CIA agent. Whatever, this was fun to do, I guessed. Leo was hot, couldn't deny that. Ha. Just kiddin. Didn't know how to go on like this, that's all.

—tbc—

* * *

_I hope that the flashbacks aren't too confusing. I use italics for flashbacks and sometimes monologue._

_Review/favorite/follows are very very appreciated and a great encouragement to me. Thank you! Mikey and Donnie coming soon, I guess._


	3. Chapter 3

**PARTED SHADOWS**

by Ignimbrite

* * *

_Sorry about the long wait. Should have warned you first that my updates would be irregular. I have other things to do like other stories going on (not on here though), and school and my own laziness to deal with. Reviews are always welcome. _

* * *

**III**

**/Leonardo/**

"Thank you, Miss. O'Neil," I said, "I'll see you later, then."

I hung up the phone, and hurriedly scribbled down the name, number and address she had given me. She had arranged us an appointment with this psychiatrist, Dr. Corvi, a friend of hers.

Now the real problem was to persuade Raph to go with me.

.:.

I watched my little brother as he lay asleep under the sunlight. I had drawn the curtains up so the sun could light up our room—even just a teensy bit.

Raphael was breathing deeply and regularly. He rarely had a good night sleep. I sat down next to him and ran a hand through his hair. His hair was always messy and spiky, and he hated the shade of it. When we were little, he always had them cropped really short, like a soldier, but after that incident five years ago, he started to let them grow—he became suddenly reluctant and self-conscious to show his face, so he covered most part of it with his hair. He was a lot thinner, and a lot quieter.

I hoped that he was gradually regaining his old self. He dyed his hair black a few months ago, and it really looked good. He dated girls and joined a band (he had been teaching himself to play guitar)…but now he was slipping back to the old dumps again. His blond hair grew back and the girls left him—of course, he was flirting with boys all the time.

I drew the covers up to his chest. His skin was fine under the sunlight—he was always rather tanned, and it gave him a healthy look. When he was normal, he was this loud, brusque and willful kid, but sometimes it seemed as though he was possessed by a different person—deviant, reluctant, passive, and scared. Sometimes, he was both, and that was when he was uncontrollable and almost savage.

I loved to see his face when his brows weren't knitted together like they did most of the time. He got a lovely face. Angular jaw, elf-like green eyes, and delicate features though overrun with fierce anger and enmity.

"Raph," I shook him gently. "Raph, wake up."

He mumbled something.

"C'mon, bro," I said, "Wake up. I've made you breakfast."

He opened those emerald eyes, and his lips parted as a moan came out.

"Hmmm, I wanna sleep."

That was cute.

"Come on, Raph," I leant over and stroke his cheek, "we have things to do."

"What thing?" he muttered. "I thought I'm suspended."

"We're gonna meet up with Miss O'Neil's friend, a psychiatrist."

"No we're not," he frowned. _Here it goes again._

"Yes we are," I said sternly. "Please, Raph?"

"What did you tell dad?" he asked, suddenly becoming shrewd.

"I told him the truth. We're going to meet a doctor."

"What did he say?"

"He said it's good."

Raph smirked, and that lovely boy was gone. Now I had to deal with the devil again.

"You crafty cocksucker," he laughed nastily, "ya know dad would ask about dis later, huh? And I have no other choice but ta go with you ta meet that fuckin doctor."

"Yes," I said lukewarmly, "if that's what you want to hear."

.:.

Dr. Corvi's office was located downtown. It was a clinic modernly and elegantly furnished. Actually, I wondered how many appointments indeed we could afford…but that was not my main concern now. My current problem was Raph, and his third school, which was about to kick him out again.

"Sit here," I pointed to a bench in the corner of the reception room.

"Don't tell me where ta sit, I wanna walk around," Raph stared at me.

"Anyway, just wait for a moment," I sighed and walked toward the reception desk. While the lady there dealt with the forms I had filled up, I gazed back and checked on Raph. He was pacing the room restlessly. I knew that he hated psychiatrists—he had had way too many of them. He didn't like to talk about what happened to him. Actually, he couldn't talk about it— the reminiscences of the incident sent him straight into anxiety.

Besides his tenseness, he looked all right to me. He was wearing a light pink shirt, a gift from me last year, which gave him a clean-cut look, and he normally wouldn't leave that impression.

.:.

"Com'on, Raph," I said, "It's your turn."

He grunted heavily and got up from the bench.

"Just relax," I patted his back, "you'll be fine."

"How d'ya know," he said, "ya ain't the one who's about ta be interrogated."

"It's not that bad."

"Huh, I wonder," he laughed and walked toward the office in listless steps.

After Raphael was gone, I remained on the bench and took out a paperback of Hermann Hesse's _Narcissus and Goldmund_. Hesse was one of my favorite writers—one that could penetrate the darkness of human's mind yet came back the entirety of his sanity. _Or maybe not the whole of it._

About fifteen minutes had slipped past when I noticed a shadow overhanging me. I glanced up.

It wasn't Raph. It was a boy about Raph's age, though—a boy with thick black hair, light caramel skin and big brown eyes hidden behind glasses, dressing neatly in an oxford shirt and a purple sweater.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you," he flashed a small, shy smile at me. "I just…like to know what you are reading."

I showed him the cover of the book.

He grinned. "Hesse. Interesting. I only read this one once, though. I like _Unterm Rad_ better."

"You actually like Hesse?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," he smiled, "literature is part of my interest, too. Though my main enthusiasm has turned toward quantum physics lately. And…" he offered his hand, "I'm Donatello Corvi. You have to stop me if I started babbling, I do that a lot and my mother says actually I just bore people so…" he paused and smiled apologetically, flushing pink. "I did that again didn't I? Sorry."

"It's alright," I said, "and I'm Leonardo Hamato. I assume that you're Dr. Corvi's son?"

"Yeah," he nodded, his cheek still burning. "And I have a feeling that I've seen you before. _Introduction to Ancient Asian Philosophy_?"

"Oh my god," I smiled, "you took that class, too?"

"Yeah," he smiled slightly. "It is…uh, _informative_."

"It sure is," I nodded with a smirk. "But…how come, you look a bit young for college."

"I just turned seventeen," he shrugged. "I was part-time homeschooled by my mom, then I took an exam to get the heck outta high school."

"Wow, nice," I said.

"Yeah," he said. "I'm a freshman in college. I wanna study physics. What are you studying?"

"Law," I said.

.:. .:. .:.

**/Raphael/**

Fuck Leo.

"Please, take a seat," the big guy in grey suit behind the desk said. On his desk there wrote, _Lorenzo H. Corvi_.

I stared at the chair before the desk for a moment before sitting myself down.

"You're Raphael, right?" he glanced at the new file that was in his hands.

"You bet," I grumbled.

"What brings you here, Raphael?" he asked, looking intently at me.

"Bet you already knew," I said.

"All I know is that Miss O'Neil recommended me to you…and yes, I'm afraid that she has told me about your deeds. Apparently, you didn't want to come here?"

"Yer right that I don't wanna be here," I said.

"Tell me more about it," he smiled rather gently, "why didn't you want to come?"

"I ain't crazy, doc."

"Well," Corvi said, "if it makes you feel more comfortable, you can call me Leatherhead…I think it's a better name than just 'doc', hmmm?"

"Yeah sure," I muttered.

"Now please tell me, what's troubling you?"

"Nothin."

"Then why are you here?"

"My brother forced me. A cunning guy he is."

"Now we got something. Your brother," he raised an eyebrow. "You wanna tell me more about him?"

"He's a fucking controlling bastard. Thinks he knows everything," I said. "Got everythin planned fer me. I ain't askin his opinion."

"Is it possible that he's worrying about you?" Corvi asked.

"Well he worries too much, far too much," I mumbled.

_Leo always worried too much._

_I remembered the two weeks spent in the hospital. He was always there by my bedside. I hated to admit it, but the truth is that I needed him there. It is hard to explain. Everything is hard to explain. I didn't want anyone near me…I didn't allow anyone to get near me, except Leo. I didn't know if it was since then that Leo had started to think that he had some privileges when it came to my well-being._

"Let's talk about your school."

"What?" I lifted my head.

"How's school?" Corvi asked. "Do you have friends there? Do you enjoy school?"

I laughed.

"You're…very humorous…" I smiled, "to ask me about school. Do I look like I enjoy it?"

"I can't see why not," the guy said.

"It's a fuckin pit," I hissed. "All shits happened there."

"What kind of…things are you referring to?"

"It's full of bullshit," I said. "Shitty teachers think they know everythin, not to mention students, a bunch of suckers. Ya hafta kill yerself to survive in there."

"You seem to detest school," Dr. Corvi said, "is that the reason why you did the things that sort of…scared your teachers?"

"Scared em?" I grinned. "No, I didn't intend to do that. I just wanted to see what'll happen if I cross that lil line."

Dr. Corvi opened his mouth as if to say something, but he stopped himself.

"Line," he repeated, "interesting word you used."

"C'mon, dude," I lay back in my chair, "what are we doin here? Yer wastin my time, I yers. Can we get dis over with? My brother out there wants ya to confirm my goddam illness, ya might as well make one up ta satisfy him. He's worryin about me gettin kicked outta school again."

"But I cannot say anything right now," Dr. Corvi said. "You have to tell me what's bothering you, Raphael. Any…discomfort. Do you have any of those?"

"Oh sure, plenty of 'em," I said as I lay further back and stared at the ceiling. "Ya might if I have a cigarette here?"

"No smoking inside the clinic," the big guy simply said.

"_Shit._ Anyways. Yeah, problems, can't sleep."_ Sometimes I have to jerk off before I went to bed coz I just had to relax my body._ "Problems…I'll think of them. A sec. I like breakin stuff, does that count as a problem?"

Dr. Corvi frowned, "And how frequent do you perform that?"

"Just when I'm angry."

"Do you get angry a lot?"

"Yeah," I muttered, "you can say that."

.:. .:. .:.

**/Leonardo/**

"How's the doctor?" Leo asked when we got out of the clinic.

"Well, I'd say he's a nice fella, if not a doctor," I said and put on my jacket.

"Did he say anything?"

"Like what?" I frowned. "Ya just wanna hear that I'm insane, don'tcha?"

Leo stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "No!"

"Then what is it?" I asked.

"I wanna help," Leo said, looking as innocent and righteous as hell.

"Hey, I don't wanna talk about this right now," I rubbed my face. "Can we just…have somethin ta eat?"

"Sure," he sighed. And we started to walk down the street.

—tbc—


	4. Chapter 4

**PARTED SHADOWS**

by Ignimbrite

* * *

_Greetings, my friends. And again, sorry about the delay. Reviews are always appreciated and loved. Thank you, those who fav/followed the story. Now, as I've warned you before, this story contains some mature contents. And it's only the beginning of it._

* * *

**IV**

**/Five Years Ago/**

_He made some mistakes._

_A boy on the school soccer team taught him how to touch himself, how to get the 'white, piss-like liquid' out of his cock. He was ten years old then. The boy's name was Arnie, but everyone called him Casey, as Raphael remembered. They were in the locker room of the gym after a soccer practice. Casey told him to think about pretty girls, and Raph did. He thought of Joi, a girl two years older than him. He liked her smile and breasts—they weren't so big, but prominent enough for a twelve-year-old girl, and enough to make him flush and hardened ever so slightly every time he passed her by on the hallway._

_Casey was eleven, a year older than Raph; he knew all sorts of stuff. And Raph was always fascinated by his profound knowledge on the mysterious adult subjects. Casey claimed to have sex with five girls already. Two girls during a summer camp last year, and three girls in their class. Raphael did not fully believe him, but how Casey described the process…that was just vivid. Casey even had him lie down on the floor and demonstrated how he positioned the girl and entered her body._

_That was when Raph flushed so red and Casey laughed at him as he could feel Raph got stiff in the pants. Then Casey told him how to give himself pleasure. It was terrible, seeing that stuff coming out of his body. The sensation was completely foreign, unknown, yet it felt so great. Feeling guilty, he ran home immediately afterward._

_.:. .:. .:._

_He fought with Leo on__** that day**__._

_They were playing football a few blocks away from home. When it got late, Leo wanted to go home. But Raph insisted that they play for a bit longer. And then they fought. It was a stupid, small quarrel, but Leo won the fight and Raph lost. Leo had gotten stronger and taller over the last two years due to the sudden hit of puberty, while Raph was still pretty much the same._

_And Raphael Hamato sure was pissed._

_Leo got angry and went home._

_Raph continued to play on his own, kicking and tossing the ball as far as he could and running to get it back, until he saw Casey, who, too, lived in the neighborhood._

_"__Hey, my uncle got into town, wanna come to my house and play?" Casey asked him. "My uncle and his friend got a truck. They said they could drive us around."_

_"__Sure," the younger boy said. Normally he would just shake his head and said no, because father didn't like Casey and had told him to stay away from that kid. But today he just didn't want to think about dad, or Leo, or anything. And that was a mistake._

_A big, fatal mistake._

**/Leonardo/**

I sipped my coffee while watched Raph chewing his burger.

"You know, Dr. Corvi has a son," I broke the ice.

"Hmmm," he replied without looking at me.

We were sitting in a small restaurant. I had thought that maybe today was a good day to bring Raph to a treat, but I had been wrong. Raph was so not in the mood.

"He's only a year older than you," I said. "And he's in college now. We go to the same university."

"Oh yeah? Some genius," Raph said harshly.

"He's just a bit…um—"

"Dorky," Raph finished my sentence with a vicious laugh.

"No, it's not that bad," I said. "He seems like a good kid. Maybe you guys can—"

"…Nah," Raph shook his head, "I know what yer doin right now Leo, but stop doin it, please."

A 'please' from Raph. _He's still trying to keep it under control, I see._

"Alright," I sighed. "I'll shut up, for now."

He glanced at me. "No, I want ya ta shut up _for evah_."

I stared back at him, "Raphael."

"What?"

"You and I both know that _this_ isn't going to stop unless you face it."

He looked straight into my eyes.

"Are you facing it, Leonardo?" He asked with a slight curve in the corner of his mouth.

We just stared at each other for a moment. It was hard, and cold. At last I took my eyes off him and stood up. Maybe I was _angry_. I didn't know.

"I'm gonna get the car," I said.

"Yeah, sure," Raph said with indifference.

.:. .:. .:.

"Hello?"

"Corvi residence," a boyish voice answered.

"This is Leonardo Hamato, may I speak to Dr. Corvi please?"

"Um…he's…lemme check…," a brief silence. "I'm sorry but you have to wait a minute or two."

"It's quite alright," I said quickly. "By the way, you're Donatello, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"We met in the clinic earlier today, remember me?"

A soft chuckle. "Of course. My memory never fails me. You and your Hesse, how can I forget. What is it? If you want to discuss your brother's case with my dad, I'm afraid that it's not possible."

"I'm not prying," I said. "I just want to tell him something that might be of help."

"Yeah, I think you can do that," Donatello said.

"Does family do this a lot?"

"You mean, talk to the doctor in private, without the patient's knowledge, discussing the case?"

"Yeah, but not…discussing. I know we're not supposed to talk about it outside the office, but…just trying to help, give more information."

"Information would be helpful. Sometimes victims are reluctant to talk about their past."

"Victims," I repeated, "why…how do you…"

"Oh my gosh I'm so, so, so sorry," he blurted. "I-I-I didn't mean to say that."

"But how…how do you know?" I asked.

"You're not the first one to call," Donatello said, "and I'm observant."

"Sure you are," I said.

"I'm terribly sorry, you know," he sighed. "I can be such a …ugh, I know. It's so not the right time to pull a smart aleck. It's your brother we're talking about. I'm so sorry."

"It's alright," I said. He sounded sincere enough. "It's alright, Donatello."

"Thanks," he said. "And call me Donnie. Donatello is so…silly."

"No it isn't," I smiled.

"Yeah thanks," he said, "oh, there comes my dad. Hold on."

I heard the phone being passed. And then, "Hello, Mr. Hamato?"

"It's Leonardo," I said. "I'm Raphael's brother."

"Good evening. What can I help you?"

"I need to tell you something, Dr. Corvi," I said, and sat down in the armchair beside my bed.

"What is it?"

"It's about Raphael."

A pause. "If you think it's right thing to do, since, you must understand, Raphael chooses to tell me certain things."

"I don't think he's ever going to tell you about this," I said.

.:.

When I ended the long conversation with Corvi and got out of the bedroom, I saw Raph spreading himself comfortably on the couch, watching an action movie—his favorite type of movie.

The living room was dim, and father was out of sight (in his own room, maybe). Raph was still wearing the pink shirt, although he had the top two or three buttons unfastened. He didn't notice me coming in. I leant on the wall and studied him.

His face wasn't totally blank; he had a small, faint smile on him, and the smile widened as the leading role in the movie struck his enemy in the jaw. That was a nice smile. My gaze trailed down from his mouth, along his jawline, to his throat, and presently rested on his collarbones. Suddenly all I wanted to do was to caress that pair of bones; I knew the area about his neck was pretty sensitive.

We never did anything outside the bedroom, and we never talked about it outside the bedroom, either. What would he do if I walked up there, sat down next to him, and put an arm around his shoulder?

I took a few steps forward, and watched the light playing with the shades of his tousled blond hair and the shadows of his visage. My little brother, a wretched soul, sat there in an old couch in a cheap apartment, smiling like any other ordinary guy at a stupid TV screen.

Yet that struck me as beautiful.

"Hey, Raph," I said aloud.

"What the fuck do you want now, Leo?" he didn't even glance at me.

"N-nothing," I sighed, strolling to the couch and seating myself down.

"Thought ya don't like this movie," he said.

"No, I don't."

"Wanna change chanel?"

"No thanks," I said. "I'm just sitting here."

"Thought so," he muttered.

I placed my hands on my lap. No, I didn't think reaching out and touching his shoulder was a good idea. And I supposed I was right.

.:. .:. .:.

It was early morning. I was sleeping when I heard him.

"Leo."

_Someone's calling me._

"_Leo!_"

I opened my eyes. It was coming from the window.

"LEO! _LEO!_"

It was Raph.

I flung my blanket aside, quickly slipping out of my bed.

"Leo, please, Leo," when I got to his bedside, Raph was breathing in shallow pants. "Leo, help me, _goddammit._ Help me."

"What is it?" I asked, turning on the nightlight. "What is it Raph?"

He eyes weren't even open. He was still trapped in his dreams, dreams that were too deep and dark for me to get in and pull him out.

"You're dreaming, kid," I said, gently rubbing his cheeks. "C'mon, wake up, Raph."

"No," he said, firmly yet scared. "No, stop it. _Stop it. Please._ I'll do anything, anything…just,_ j-just_ not _this_, please. Not again. N-n-not again p-please…"

"Raph," I pulled his upper body onto my lap, "c'mon, little brother, you're dreaming. You're dreaming. It's nothing but a dream."

Tears started to roll down his already sweaty cheeks. "_I'm sorry._ I said I'm sorry. Please. Not anymore. No._ Not—_"

"Raphael," I raised my voice a bit, holding him very tight now. "Wake up. It's a bad dream. It's not real."

I continued to pat his back, shake his shoulder and hold him close to me as he went on crying and battling his nightmares in silent, sometimes confused whisper.

.:.

"Help me, Leo," he was still mumbling. "Help me a bit."

"I'm here," I said, "I'm right here."

"_Leo,_" he said again. And I realized that he had finally woken up.

He looked up at me with impenetrable eyes. I felt him tucking my shirtsleeve.

"There, there," I muttered, turning off the nightlight as I slid into his bedclothes.

Raph buried his head into my chest and I had my arms around his shoulders.

"What is it about?" I asked quietly.

"Hun, and _the other guy_," he said, trembling.

"They're in jail now, Raph. Locked up nicely. It's safe."

"I hoped they get fucked there."

"Yeah, I hoped that too," I said.

"Touch me," he said all of a sudden, searching my gaze.

I soothed his shoulder, but hesitated.

"I don't think we—"

"I need it," he said, "Leo, _I need it._"

I pulled him closer, rumpling his hair. "No."

"Come on, you want it too."

"Raph, you should sleep."

He ignored me and grabbed one of my hands, putting it on his lower belly.

"Raph…"

"C'mon," he said.

I gave in. Circling him in my fingers, I still kept him close to my chest as I nuzzled his hair.

His breath hitched and I slowed down a bit. I didn't want him to reach it just yet.

"I'll help ya later," he whispered.

"No, I'm alright," I said.

He was so warm. I could feel my breath getting shallower, too, while he exhaled just right under my chin, teasing the skin on my neck.

I could see the vague outline of his expression under the faint moonlight. He was enjoying it. I knew that he hated what we do at times, but not in a time like this, not after a bad dream. He wanted to be near me now.

"_Leooo,_" he mumbled and clenched his fist on my collar, his nails digging into my skin. "F-faster."

"Not yet," I said. "Now, I want you to relax, okay?"

He looked up at me, "o-okay."

_Was this boy in my arms my brother Raphael, or was the boy who would scream in my face the true Raphael?_

"_Please Leoo,_" he pleaded. "_Go quiicker._"

And then he opened his mouth and moaned. A small, prolong exclaim of his satisfaction. I didn't stop immediately. His voice rose higher, and I had to cover his mouth.

"_Mmmmm…_"

I could feel the warm wetness in my palm and on my shirt spreading while he softly heaved out the last of his orgasm.

His panting slowed down.

"Feeling better?" I asked, rubbing his back, which was covered under the damp shirt.

"Yeah," he said in a small voice.

"Good," I said. "You have to clean up and change. You're soaked in sweat."

"I know," he said. "But just…wait fer a bit longer, okay?"

_Just a bit longer._

_I could still hear him saying that in that afternoon. It was as fresh as yesterday._

"Of course," I replied without thinking. "Of course. Stay as long as you like, Raph."

"Thanks," he muttered in content, wrapping his arms around me like a small child.

And I stared down at him, smoothing that messy hair of his and patting his arm. _No, this isn't my brother Raphael. Raphael likes to fight, laugh loudly, and brush things off. Raphael hates to cry, be comforted and be fragile._

The boy in my arm was frightened, and he was clinging onto me as if I was his only lifeboat on an ocean.

No, he wasn't Raphael.

—tbc—


End file.
